Dylan’s guide to senioritis

Useful tips for second semester seniors on surviving the home stretch of their high school careers.

Photo/Silas Chu

This story was originally pitched as “a guide to not catching senioritis.” However, after putting my name at the top of the page of this article, it dawned on me that I am patient zero. I was ready to kiss high school goodbye fall of my sophomore year, just as I am right at this moment. So, let me instead give to you my guide on living with senioritis.

No doctor has yet found the cure for senioritis, and it’s easy to see why. Senioritis is a disease of the soul, and cannot be cured by any normal doctor. A witch doctor might be able to do it, but I refuse to see an unlicensed doctor and witch doctor licenses don’t yet exist (I would become one if it did, and I’ve checked very thoroughly).

The first step to living with senioritis is to dress like a senioritis patient. Purchase sweatpants in abundance, and follow that up with Ugg slippers, bucket hats or what have you. Just make sure to appear as if you have given up on life.  This step is key, as it will signify to teachers that your inability to pass an art paragraph is not actually due to any mental restrictions, but rather a crippling and incurable disease. They should give you 70 percent on assignments that would normally get 60 percent, as per procedure.

Your second step is going to be procrastinating as much as possible. One might think that this behavior is dangerous or even reckless, but it is actually a form of mental discipline. If you wait till the last possible second every time something needs to get done, you will gain time management skills of such high caliber that doing things at the last second will quickly stop bothering you. When other people bother you for being “lazy” or “sluggish,” simply reply with the classic “I have a terminal illness.” Gets em’ every time.

Ultimately you’ll survive your senioritis, but only just barely. Actually that’s a pretty good analogy for senioritis. “Just barely.” Now that I’ve finished this article, I’m gonna go play Fallout 4. See you at graduation!