Bellevue’s biggest secrets


There is one and only one way to gain demonic powers in the world, and it is coincidentally possible only at Bellevue High School. In order to perform the dark ritual of unholy longevity to gain such powers, you will need to procure a few ingredients beforehand. The ritual requires: a leaf blower, a premium grade-A summoning goat (you can probably find one on Amazon)and a demon blood sword (this one’s a bit tricky- mine was given to me as a 9th birthday present, but you’ll have to break into locker 666 at midnight on June 6) and gluten-free cake mix.

In order to summon the demonic phantasm that will give you your powers, you’ll have to place the goat into the hidden hot tub at Bellevue High, keeping in mind that its position changes every hour.

You must then leaf blow the goat while reciting the planner’s dance policy backwards. After reciting it in its entirety, the goat will transform into a demonic phantasm, which you may then defeat with a single strike of the demon blood sword (which will then disintegrate). The smudge the phantasm leaves behind will resemble blue tomato soup. Casting fireball jutsu on it will turn it into a yellow putty-like substance which will smell strongly of vinegar. I’ve been told that this is the physical manifestation of stress related to college applications.

You must then mix this into the gluten-free cake mix (failing to do so will cause extreme unholy indigestion) and bake yourself a demon power cake. Once finished, you must consume this entire demon power cake in one sitting. The resulting demon power gain is excruciating -antlers grew out of my head and my entire body was made of fire! It wore off after a little while, and I’m kind of perturbed that I went through all that work to have longevity and ended up with antlers for like 10 minutes.